As long as I am making big announcements, I might as well divulge that I am no longer in love with Dr. Stefanko, the surgeon.

It turns out that he is WAY too clingy. Wants to see me twice a week and seemingly cannot get it into his head that I have moved on.

I feel so conflicted about this. Has he become repellent to me because he is so nice, so communicative, so there for me? What does this say about me that I reject such wonderful treatment?

I haven't yet told the good doctor about my new live-in boyfriend Phred, but I will confess to all of you that Phred is the bad boy that I have been waiting for my whole life.

Who is Phred? Not someone I met on E-Harmony, that's for sure. He is a Crowntail Betta, a flashy red fish whose ancestors came from the ricefields of Vietnam. Phred must live by himself in his little fishbowl because he is a very aggressive species who will attack any other fish who inhabits his space.

Are you starting to see how Phred and I became soulmates? Let's admit it. It *could* be said that I am a very aggressive member of my species who would attack if another being inhabited my space. Each in our own individual fish bowls, Phred and I have found deep love and intense companionship. I think it is only a matter of time until the story of this relationship becomes the subject of a Julia Roberts movie.

Don't feel too sad for Dr. Stefanko. It turns out that he is a CIA agent on the side. On Friday, he installed a portocatheter in a vein under my clavicle, ostensibly for easy IV access. HA! I didn't live in Berkeley for 15 years for nothing! I am well aware that this little device also has a GPS attached to it and is a mind-control device. But do not be alarmed. Living near Fry's comes in handy. I found a hacker to reprogram it and now Stefanko and his buddies think I am on a beach in Puerto Vallarta.

My hair is falling out at a rapid rate and I think it is a matter of days until I go cue ball. It is probably some sort of coping mechanism, but I am developing a huge interest in how I will look when I am bald. It is an opportunity of sorts. I also have great plans to have pictures taken of me with all of my bald friends.

It is probably a mistake to bury this information at the end of the email but I do want to quickly explain the middleman approach I have taken to sending out emails. I think it is confusing to some people.

I am having various people (that I named Bureau Chiefs) send out my emails because it is much easier for me to manage a small group of people vs. a large group. This does not mean that I don't want to hear from people or that I have reached an insufferable level of imagined self importance.

Well, let me know if you have further questions about this. And be nice to your bureau chief! They did not volunteer, they were assigned!

One final note. I am on disability and not working for the next 4-6 months. Not everyone seems to know that! So, I am at home and not working. I am not quite sure who these people are who work, have cancer, and carry on with their normal lives, but I am not capable of all of that.

That is it for today. Thanks for your continued support!